There are advantages and disadvantages to living in a small town in which one has some noteriety. For example, instead of flashing her hoo-ha to the entire world via paparazzi, Britney could have just moved to a small town and become a school teacher. Then, every time she went grocery shopping at the local Sobey's, she could have her produce scanned by her high school students and bagged by her 7th graders. On the way out, she could receive waves and smiles from students and parents, and the random [shopping-cart] drive-by hugging by the little fifth graders who are not yet ashamed to love their teachers.
There are times, however, when this noteriety is not wanted.
Case in point: The Sunday After-Church Dinner.
I live in a small town where a lot of people go to church on Sundays. [Never mind that what happens between Sunday evening and Saturday night leaves morals and scruples to be questioned....that is beside the point.] After church on Sundays, it is tradition to go out for lunch. Two of the main places to go and "be seen" are the Neighbourhood Inn and Century Steakhouse, both which feature the lionized "Sunday Brunch". These two places, therefore, are to be avoided at all cost if one seeks to have a quiet, uninterrupted post-praise lunch with, say for example, one's Farmer.
It was with this in mind that The Farmer and I thought we would escape the saints and any related dim-witted repartee by dining at an out of the way establishment known for its wonderful Jambalaya pizza.
Well.
The first problem is that the place is set up in a long L shape. When one walks into the place, it is like getting on the bus. Those who ride city busses know what I mean. Everyone who is seated inevitably looks up to see who has just boarded. It just so happened that today, this bus, much to our dismay, included the riff-raff who must not have made it into the first-rated Brunch Buffets.
A person has two choices when passing people they do not wish to be drawn into conversation with. One is to make eye contact and say hello. However, since most older folks around these parts could talk the hind leg off of a donkey, this is a risky move. One is much safer to stick with the head nod followed by immediate breach of eye contact. It is a good idea to have a back-up distraction. For example, Head-Nod and then look around for a table whilst quickly walking away. The key to pulling off this maneuver is to walk purposefully as if one has an important destination to reach. Thus, it is also sometimes nick-named the Nod and Run.
If you have the unfortunate circumstance of being seated next to one with whom you do not wish to engage in conversation, more direct measures must be taken. Do not make eye contact! Use the Nod and Run if you are still standing. If not, immediately pick up your menu and start perusing. It is even better if it is a tall menu that can be used as a screen to break any attempts at eye-contact from the other party.
Usually, these stealth tactics will be enough to stave off the small-talkers. However, if one encounters a farmer over 50, more desperate measures must be taken. These creatures have been known to actually sit down, uninvited, at a table and proceed to talk non-stop about everything from the price of crops, to the amount of snow, to the politicians of the land. In this case, it is best to politely excuse oneself to the washroom with an urgent look on one's face. Be sure to bring your wallet, outerwear, and other personal belongings, however, because one would not want to be without these items, especially while escaping by the lavatory window.
