Moved....almost.

I can't believe it's the 25th of September already. Not because time has flown by, because each day seems really really long. But in the big picture, I can't believe it's been over a month since I've been in Bonnyville! That, and one month that I've been living at my parents' house.

Yesterday, my new house was finally deemed ready to move into. There are a few things to be done (mirrors in the bathrooms, splashback around the kitchen counters), but by and large, it's finished! I've moved most of my stuff over, but there are a few things [bed, for example!] I haven't gotten over there yet. Maybe later this afternoon.

It's with mixed feelings that I'll leave my parents' house. It will be nice to have the space and unpack my stuff. But I have been truly blessed to stay here. I haven't had to worry about cooking or cleaning, grocery shopping or bills. [Which is good because I've had $0.77 in my bank account since the beginning of August.] The staff at school always make fun of me because I have the best lunches in the lunch room. My dad ["un gourmand/ gourmet"] takes delight in food and it shows in the lunches that he packs for me everyday. Ha ha. I've had several propositions from other staff members to be adopted into the family so that they, too, could have amazing lunches.

School seems to be settling down a bit. I'm now getting most of what I need to do done by 6:30 or 7:00 pm. I have a bit extra on my plate this week, though, because I'm going to be away in Edmonton Friday for a music workshop. Hopefully, when life settles down, [and my computer is hooked up!] I can resume my regular writing and not these sporadic accounts of the tiring details of my new life. That said, thank you to those of you who still stop by to check up on me from time to time, and thank you for your notes of encouragement. They mean a lot to me.

SH: Still waiting to hear about Vegas!
DC: I shall endeavour to learn more about Kimpossible! Thanks!
RB: Why do I never hear from you? You're like a scary lurker or something.
MS: What? What what?
DB: Hmmm.
SN: Hope you are really enjoying your new house! I'm gonna come visit you soon.
NH: Did you guys sell the condo yet? Keep me in the loop!

==

Strength in Weakness

I just got home from the school and it's only 8:00 pm! SWEET!!

My mom's been complaining that she doesn't see me. That's because I live at the school. Almost every night (including weekends), I am at the school. I joke that there's a night team: me, the janitor, Gerald, and the tech guy, John. Occasionally I bring Shana, my dog to school to keep me company, but she doesn't like it very much.

I don't blame her.

Maybe today is not a good day to write the first post in over a week. Today, I felt like a failure. I've been too busy to feel much of anything lately, but today, it snuck up on me. I'm level headed enough to know it has a lot to do with lack of sleep and other issues that make me Pretty Moody Sometimes and shall not be mentioned in a public form such as this. Ha.

On my not-so-level headed level, I was very discouraged today. We had our first early morning rehearsal at the high school. 7:00 am. There are about ten students in the high school "band". Two of them were grade nine, and the other six grade 10 - 12. The grade nines - Oy yo yo! They cause me to feel hopeless. One of the girls plays about 3/4 of a tone flat consistently. I don't know what to do. Everything I've tried to do to help her has failed. I felt for her as the rest of the students stared at her as I asked the clarinetists to go over a section.

The rest of the students present a different challenge. They're good. Really good. How do I balance the two? My grade nines are discouraged and the rest of the students are bored by the prospect of playing down a level to give the nines a chance to catch up.

Then I headed to the middle school. This is grades 5 - 8. I teach music, band and French as a second language. Music is great - the kids come into my music room and I feel like I am under control - this is my specialty. Junior High Band? Let's talk about that another day.... Then there's French. Especially grade eight. I gave my first detentions today. I wonder if it will do any good? I have certain curriculum guidelines I need to follow, but what do you do when the students are three - four grade levels below what you're supposed to be teaching? It'd be one thing if all they did was stare at you with that blank, dazed stare, but after they get bored of that, they're hooligans!! I met with the principal today to tell her I need to talk with someone on staff who has really good classroom management skills just to get some practical strategies that I can implement.

I think my problem is that I don't have the intimidation factor. You know how some people can give of that vibe of, "don't even think about messing with me"? Yeah, not me. Even my power boots are failing me. :-)

I hate this. I know that there are students in each of my classes who are bright, willing and ready to learn. I hate that all I can see is the problems. I hate that if I focus on the good and ignore the bad, the bad becomes worse. And the ones who want to learn suffer. They suffer because they don't get me as a teacher. They get some kinda mean control freak who is using scowls and anger to mask her fear. Fear of what?

Today after the students left, I sat in my music room and openly talked to God. [This is one good thing about being thrown into the furnace - I've become very efficient.] I openly told him that I feel like I'm failing the kids. I feel like I'm failing the parents. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know how to teach them. And you know what? He totally started talking back. And he reminded me of his promises - he hasn't brought me here to fail.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "

He's not going to abandon me here. Do you have any idea how comforting that is? Essentially, my distress is in that I feel all alone. No one really understands what I am going through here.

No one but Him.

So to know that he hears me and that he's near me is worth more than anything to me right now.

One night last week I took a drive with the dog. I took a country road that led to a nearby lake and followed a winding drive that turned into a gravel road, which turned into a dirt trail and then a sandy path and finally opened up into what looked like an abandoned boat launch. There was an old pier on the water, so I parked my car, pulled out my big wool blanket from the trunk and sat on the edge of the pier. The water was smooth like glass, and the clouds looked like they were painted in large brushstrokes across the sky as they turned gold, crimson, fuchsia, and violet. It was completely silent, save the faint hooting of the loons and the accompaniment of the crickets. Somehow, in that setting, my busy world got the perspective it deserved; life is much bigger than what I am going through right now. It's bigger than an out of tune band, a cleaning cloth stuck in the neck of a saxophone that I had to get the shop teacher to drill out, or an eighth grader's defiant attitude. Life goes on, it does. Is what I'm doing important? Sure. Do I need to be responsible to these students, teachers, parents? Yeah. But I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay, and I won't be alone.

Now if I could just remember that when I've told a kid to shut his trap for the third time in five minutes......

==

What day is it today?

We interrupt your regular programming to bring you this important announcement:

Jace has now left the space time continuum. Time seems to not exist these days. She regrets the lack of regular scheduled programming and will inform Regular Readers everywhere when she has reached a semblance of life as she knows it.

We apologize for the delay.

The Management.

Happy Birthday, Alberta!

This morning I woke up immediately the thought came to my head,

"Today is the first day of school and God is going to be with me."

Huh.

Not, "Please be with me, God, cause I'm freakin' scared", but just this certainty, this "knowing" that no matter what, even if I fell flat on my face I would be okay.

This is groundbreaking news, folks. How did that happen? I believe it's cause of those of you out there praying for me.

I was reading Oswald Chambers a couple of days ago, and came across one line in the book that I had to read over and over again because it was so profound for me, and that is this: Prayer doesn't change things. Prayer changes me.

I would love to regale you with stories of my first day, but to be honest, I'm beat. I worked 12 hours today and it's almost 10:00 pm. I can't wait until the time this settles down and I can get things into a routine. I feel like a granny- I'm going to bed at ten and missing the huge fireworks display for the Centennial Party at which they are estimating there are 8,000 people in attendance at the Rodeo Grounds by Jessie Lake in Bonnyville. BTW, if you ever want to feel like a celebrity, just become a teacher at a junior high and high school. Everybody seems to know who you are, even after one day. But alas, I digress. My bed is calling.............